This was originally posted on another blog during my blog tour, but I liked it so much, I wanted to post it here as well. So, without further preamble, I give you:
The Drasmyr Interview:
Today we have with us, Lucian val Drasmyr… warrior, general, and vampire. He’s walked the world of Athron for a thousand years, and is here visiting Earth for this once in a lifetime interview at A Toast to Dragons with esteemed guest journalist and newsman Chris Matthews (not really, but we’ll just pretend).
Chris Matthews: Greetings, Lucian. It’s good to see you. I’m glad you agreed to this interview. You look a little pale, but I guess that’s to be expected in your line of work. Your journey here must have been exhausting. How are you feeling today?
Lucian: A bit peckish, actually.
Chris Matthews: <pales> Oh, really? Uh… um… That’s a trifle unsettling. I’ll just get going with the… rest of the interview. Um… how would you describe your relationship with Clarissa? Is it romantic?
Lucian: Love is an emotion that vampires—real vampires—cannot fathom, let alone feel. Your kind would do well to put your fanciful notions of devoted, affectionate vampires back in the graves from whence they came, and restore us to our rightful place as heirs of the Damned. As for Clarissa, she served a purpose.
Chris Matthews: Can you describe what it’s like to sink your teeth into a human being?
Lucian: My teeth puncture flesh. Then, I taste blood. A lot of it.
Chris Matthews: Can you describe the bloodlust?
Lucian: Perhaps by analogy… not drinking blood is like multiplying your libido by ten, then taking a vow of celibacy.
Chris Matthews: Ouch… how about religion. Interested readers want to know: do you believe in God?
Lucian: The god of your world or mine? Or are you going to be philosophical and posit a god of all worlds? It matters little to me. There may be a single God, or many lesser gods, but none have ever served me well. Since I became a vampire, more often than not, I find myself on the opposing side of whichever god is involved in the altercation. It’s a habit I have.
Chris Matthews: Do you have any qualms about what you do?
Lucian: No. Do you?
Chris Matthews: My understanding is that you became a vampire by choice. Is that true? And if so, why did you do it?
Lucian: I was a zealot, totally devoted to the man I believed to be a god. I would have done anything he asked me to, perhaps even commit suicide if it served his cause. And, in a way, that is exactly what I did. I died to my old self and my old life, and was reborn as something greater. But there at the beginning, I was little more than a mindless minion.
Chris Matthews: Do you have any regrets about your decision?
Lucian: Life is filled with decisions and regrets. I try not to dwell on my own, because I have a thousand years worth of such deliberations to burden me. It can get tiresome if you spend too much time looking behind. I try to focus on the future, because I have a lot of it to look forward to. <licks lips>
Chris Matthews: What separates you from other vampires?
Lucian: My patience for impertinent questions and sniveling lackeys. If the truth be known, it is my personality that distinguishes me. Although the powers of vampires vary from tale to tale, one cannot gain distinction by a clever use of innate ability. It is the vampires inner world that makes him (or her) unique. Pining, love-struck weakling or ruthless killer, it is what he uses his gifts for that determines whether or not he will establish a potent and lasting legacy.
Chris Matthews: Do you have any weaknesses?
Chris Matthews: Surely, there must be—
Chris Matthews: Okay, moving on. What are your goals in life?
Lucian: Some vampires seek companionship—I am not one of those. Others seek world domination—if the world offered anything of value beyond cattle, perhaps I would be one of those. But as it is, I exist to feed and accrue personal power. Politics, I can do without. Should it ever come my way, though, my greatest desire is revenge.
Chris Matthews: Revenge? On who?
Lucian: On all those who have ever done me wrong. <shrugs> And on some of those who haven’t.
Chris Matthews: Interesting. If you could only kill Coragan of Esperia or Regecon the Archmage… who would you choose?
Lucian: Edward Cullen. Because I like to hurt sparkly things.
Chris Matthews: What do you do in your spare time?
Lucian: I read books. Philosophy, magical treatises, and historical texts.
Chris Matthews: Interesting. What is your greatest accomplishment?
Lucian: My accomplishments are too many to name, too great to be catalogued, and too far beyond the ken of your kind to bear scrutiny. I have walked the world of Athron for a thousand years; that alone is a triumph compared to the feeble existence your kind can eke out. I know more about the workings of the world and the fabric of time than the wisest of men. Don’t insult me by pretending you can grasp even a sliver of my greatness.
Chris Matthews: Er…if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
Lucian: A tree?
Chris Matthews: Yes. A tree.
Lucian: Is that some reference to wooden stakes? Is that a threat?
Chris Matthews: <wets self> Um. No. Readers just want to know these things.
Lucian: Then I pity your authors.
Chris Matthews: Okay. Moving on… It appears you are wanted on Athron for a number of murders. Have you ever considered immigrating to the United States to escape your persecutors?
Lucian: You give my persecutors far too much credit. I don’t fear mortals. I’ve seen nations crumble to dust and demigods meet their undoing. What could a few pesky wizards and an odd warrior or two hope to bring to bear against me?
Chris Matthews: Do you have any advice for the modern American teen?
Lucian: Eat your vegetables. You’ll taste better.
Chris Matthews: How many people have you killed?
Lucian: One too few.
Chris Matthews: Well, that concludes our interview for today. We are glad you could make it, Mr. Drasmyr. We are curious, though, what inspired you to make the trip… it is a long way, and a most difficult journey, I imagine?
Lucian: The author and I came to… an arrangement. <licks lips>
Chris Matthews: What do you mean?… Oh, God… No… Aaaahhhh!
Lucian: Blecch! Journalists. They all taste the same.